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★ levi ★
Artist | Varied
United States
and i will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams

My icon was gifted to me by Chaosiies


so i haven't been on here in a minute.

i'm going to be opening commissions real soon (i just bought an intuos draw tablet so i can do digital art again!!) and i've been cranking out some dope acrylic paintings of hot centaur chicks which will be for sale

if you haven't noticed by the change of my name in my bio, my name (formerly alyssa) is now levi. i had it legally changed over the summer. i'm trans/non-binary and my pronouns are they/them. 


this is kind of weird and personal to put on here but it matters to me that the people following my artwork know

on august 29th of this year i was raped by someone i thought was a friend. i was staying the night at a friend's house with 4 people, all of which i've known for years, and one of them fingered and groped me in my sleep. 

i lost my court case (a grand jury ruled that he was innocent even though he admitted to it)

it's been affecting my online activity, worsening my depression, and essentially crippling all my ambitions and drive to do anything other than sleep and eat. most days it's really hard to accomplish anything productive. i'm happy just to get out of bed and go get lunch with my boyfriend or do a load of laundry. right now, that's a feat for me. 

when things get really bad i like to put on regina spektor's cover of no surprises or cry in a long hot shower or play ukulele 

honestly i think offerings of prayers and condolences are petty and noise pollution so tread diligently 

just be there for me by being there for me or supporting me as an artist and a friend

i think that's about all the updates for now.


i.   last night i was afraid
to walk downstairs
in the darkness
for fear you would meet me there,
so i used my phone as a flashlight.

i pressed the white luminescence
into my palm and began
walking, the light shining
through my hand
which is to say
i am see-through,
which is to say
i was a ghost before you touched me,
which is to say
i have been dead a long time.
you didn't kill me
after all
murder, like rape, is a felony
of the first-degree
and even a jury
couldn't find you guilty of that

ii. every time i try to write a song,
a peaceful poem,
the thought of you laying next to me
creeps up the nerves in my hand

you find your way
onto every single page
and i hate myself
for letting you (w)in

you don't even deserve
this recognition,
this screentime
my voice must give you

still you are caught in my throat
something i can't just cough out


there are more people that have jumped from the golden gate bridge
then there are people you have touched
without asking

but pain isn't relative

this morning my boyfriend and i had sex
for the 6th time since you raped me
and when i ask him to stop, he does
still sometimes it feels like he doesn't
sometimes the memory of you
won't let me realize that he already did

and the panic is not always the same.

i can't tell you that the amount of breaths
in each anxiety attack
lessens the more they happen, but

i am learning new ways
to handle it when it does

my therapist tells me to freeze oranges
every morning
so when the trauma comes back
i can push my fingers
into the cold and the wet
so i can crush something
besides myself

and it isn't perfect
but it helps

my therapist tells me
i am an old soul

not because of my record collection
or my bad taste in good music

but because i see the whole world
as the history book that it is
revisionist that i am,
pulling light out of the dark

so i do that now
in the hallway
for a glass of water
when i feel like you are there

i am re-writing this story

you don't hold the pen

iv. so what if you have treated my body like dirt
that is the only place you can grow flowers
my rapist’s home is the place my body goes
to sleepwalk
when no one else is home
when trauma is the only dream i can remember
when his name starts to sound like mine
this morning i woke up, but i didn’t
i am still
i am still
too awake to die,
too tired to live,
i am still
drenched in my own blood &
his and
the way they were never
supposed to combine.


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  • mmv303
    Donated Aug 10, 2014, 3:54:02 PM

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Add a Comment:
landobaldur Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2016  Professional General Artist
greetings from one creative mind to another
ignotism Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2016   General Artist
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner May 6, 2016  Student General Artist
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2016  Student General Artist
ScribalWriter Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2016   Traditional Artist
Thank you very much for the :+fav:, Alyssa! :heart:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2016  Student General Artist
ignotism Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2016   General Artist
too real
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2016  Student General Artist
yoda's glasses falling off is my favourite part
Feathers01 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday!
UnluckyAmulet Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday~!
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