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About Varied / Artist ★ Alyssa ★18/Female/United States Groups :iconthe-vocaloid-fanclub: The-Vocaloid-Fanclub
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ignotism
★ Alyssa ★
Artist | Varied
United States
and i will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams
My icon was gifted to me by Furrit
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everything has to be black and white, black and white, black and white

people in your life are either good or bad.

teachers love you or think you're a massive idiot.

all your friends there for you or are out to get you.

you have no friends because you hurt all of them or they hurt you and you can't seem to lower your standards for wanting intelligent company and it is ruining you because you can't find them.

one second you are happy and it feels so high and it feels so good but you begin to wonder if you look dumb for being happy, you begin to wonder if you are being eccentric. you are laughing too much people will think you are unintelligent

the next second you are in love with your bed. not high school love. the kind of love where you're not really sure if it's love but you can't leave your bed you can't be sad when you're asleep it's better to be asleep than risk being sad

everything has to be black and white, black and white, black and white
we are a family of secrets.

we hide:
cluttered home,
depression,
we do not let people in.
we do not let change in:

i tell my father the name i have chosen for myself. through gritted teeth, he asks why i would change what was so lovingly bestowed.

i tell him, sometimes things with good intention have bad repercussions.

alyssa, he says, it’s just a name. it’s just something to be called. it doesn’t define you.

but i spent enough years being called useless bitch to know when you are called something, you begin to believe it defines you.

because i know you are talking about me when things go wrong. in your head, i am alyssa, your daughter. you say: useless pieces of shit, you are referring to my sisters and i-- alyssa, useless piece of shit, alyssa, useless piece of shit--

in this way my name becomes an expletive.

and to the mother says “but alyssa, he’s never hit you”

it doesn’t take a fist to say “you’re worthless”
and it doesn’t take a mouth, either

and sometimes the person you’ve learned to say is your father is really just a sperm donor and it took 18 years to figure that out.

i have never asked my father if he dated anyone before my mother.
i have never asked him about his first kiss.
i don’t know what he hoped his life would look like one day
or whether it came true.

and when i call him “father”
i only acknowledge him
as a story that begins with my birth.
as if on that day that i am born
everything he is before this moment is now history;
his story, i have never asked him what it was like to become a past;
what it felt like to coil thirty years of memory
and hide it inside his gut.
i can’t relate to the compression
of a life
but i know the standstill
of looking at yourself in the mirror
being disgusted
and continuing to look at yourself in the mirror
thinking that is the beginning.
but speaking your illness out loud
doesn’t make it go away.
i say
i write everything in red ink now
because i am trying to correct the errors of my past

i say i love hard but hate harder. it is what i have learned. spend enough time around a toxin and you begin to feel it in your skin,

spend enough time being called woman and forget that you are more than that.

i say i am more like my father than i would like to believe.

i am exactly what i am afraid of.

i am jack and danny torrance and i am fucking shining.

but there is more to affliction than malady,

and there is more to this body than what he has written

we have stories that begin with our births,

our fathers,

but have origins farther back than anyone of us are able to know.

i guess what i am trying to say is that my name reminds me too much of this house: cluttered, something i have outgrown

maybe when i cut myself i am trying to trim the parts away that you can never love

when i say i am not a woman, i also mean i am not your daughter, so speaking my gender out loud is just another way of running away from home.

we were a family of secrets
until i decided to tell the truth about who i am.
everything has to be black and white, black and white, black and white

people in your life are either good or bad.

teachers love you or think you're a massive idiot.

all your friends there for you or are out to get you.

you have no friends because you hurt all of them or they hurt you and you can't seem to lower your standards for wanting intelligent company and it is ruining you because you can't find them.

one second you are happy and it feels so high and it feels so good but you begin to wonder if you look dumb for being happy, you begin to wonder if you are being eccentric. you are laughing too much people will think you are unintelligent

the next second you are in love with your bed. not high school love. the kind of love where you're not really sure if it's love but you can't leave your bed you can't be sad when you're asleep it's better to be asleep than risk being sad

everything has to be black and white, black and white, black and white

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Comments


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:iconscribalwriter:
ScribalWriter Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2016   Traditional Artist
Thank you very much for the :+fav:, Alyssa! :heart:
Reply
:iconaway-with-knives:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2016  Student General Artist
Reply
:iconignotism:
ignotism Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2016   General Artist
too real
Reply
:iconaway-with-knives:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2016  Student General Artist
yoda's glasses falling off is my favourite part
Reply
:iconfeathers01:
Feathers01 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday!
Reply
:iconunluckyamulet:
UnluckyAmulet Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday~!
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Happy birthday dear! :)
Reply
:iconaway-with-knives:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2015  Student General Artist
Reply
:iconaway-with-knives:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2015  Student General Artist
Reply
:iconaway-with-knives:
aWay-with-knives Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2015  Student General Artist
hahahah
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